I swear to god My fingerprints are getting burned off From using the touchpad of this terrible 10-year-old macbook pro As I read our friend’s Casually unironically written Homoerotic Front Bottoms fan-fiction I laughed so hard, because it’s her favorite band In the whole wide world I’m sorry but I’m never going to stop using over-superlative words You’re going to leave every night now You never have any time to get right now I’m losing all my money making you these portraits While we’re waiting for the bus to come so we can go to the party at your best bud’s house Let me talk to you For a while about my crazy youth I haven’t been outside since I turned fourteen When I went to those houses by the river And slept there Looking at the lake wishing it was morning So I could go swimming You’re going to leave every night now You never have any time to get right now I’m losing all my money making you these portraits [third verse, spoken] When I was a kid, I mean I still am a kid, We’re both kids, whatever I was scared of everything. I could never go to any parties unless I was drunk out of my mind, And now, it’s the same as it was I swear to god, I can’t move at all. I’m so scared of the radio, it’s- You’re going to leave every night now

I never learned to play the guitar As a way to get out my emotions Twelve weeks in, and I still can’t focus I’m sorry it’s not fun to be around me any more Maybe she told you true And there’ll always be somebody there for you And you'll never be alone But maybe she's wrong And maybe I'm right Despite sleeping in the next room over I wish I could say that I don’t wanna stand in The middle of the road I wish I could say I had some sort of faith in life To keep me satisfied And not to leave me petrified And if I thought I could survive any more of this I’d sit and sing myself to sleep I feel it in my blood Anxiety, comes out when i hear ‘he’ I feel it in my blood I’m giving up, let me know When it’s done You say you’ll never break You’re giving up the gun Almost is good enough I swear When I see you I’m sorry But I know I’m gonna stare Because all I ever think about Is when we held hands and watched The sunrise just around that time And then you didn’t call me back It was fun while it lasted but it didn’t last It was fun while it lasted but it didn’t I feel it in my blood Anxiety, anxiety, comes out when I hear ‘he’ I feel it in my blood He looks like you but he’s not And he’s in our secret spot And he’s copying your style And he’s staying in the band room for a while You know I’m thinking about moving away Because I’m just too scared to stay I know you think you’re going crazy You always said “they’ll never break me” I still believe that I still believe

I’m dying in makeup I paint all my insides Simple love and simple life Seem to pass us by But if i love any moment I’ll frame it And act like I never die I smoke a lot And it bites but It’ll be alright It’ll be alright (fuck you) It’ll be alright It’ll be alright (fuck you) And when I eventually find love I know I’ll just fuck it up The second I think about What I’m doing I know I’ll just fuck it up Because every single second of Every single day I feel like I’m just wasting away But It’ll be alright It’ll be alright (fuck you) It’ll be alright It’ll be alright (fuck you) I know someday I’ll be good enough But I’m not enough yet I’m in the winter of my life My life of strife My life marooned on These trivial pursuits If I give it all up, will you save me? If I give it all up, can I stop? If I give it all up, will I still be a Nervous Young Woman I wake up in the evening when everyone else is asleep And I eat I do eat My whole life You tell me to see the light To keep me from suicide I’d like to travel the world babe But my heart goes bum, bum when I’m Loving you way too much If I can stay alone I can scream into microphones people keep telling me I’m good enough And tell me that I look alive When I’m fading in the nighttime You look through me with a broken flashlight And I’m sorry that I had to say goodbye Maybe I regret it Yeah I know you hate this But It’ll be alright It’ll be alright (fuck you) It’ll be alright It’ll be alright (fuck you) Walking without my coat maybe i'll feel at home the nights that i'm left alone Won't you please be mine, love Won't you please be mine? Won’t you come outside, love Won’t you come outside? I know you won’t

Sober, losing my head Laying in bed Wishing I was dead All these lyrics stuck In my head will go to waste So I just sat and thought I wish I could say I enjoyed it But really it just made me feel sick To think about my body and look at What it wants to do I broke all the mirrors in the band-room I don’t wanna see my face I live off coffee and pot You say I’m kind, I’m really not There’s no point in the bases There’s no point in seeing our faces I can’t stress enough that I don’t understand Why everything makes sad, even my hand My hands on my eyes Coughing up smoke Oh god, I know, I’m bound to choke My hands on my eyes Sober, losing my head When? When? When?

It’s 2020 and I have no idea what’s going in my life It’s flat, but in the wrong place It’s wrong, right up to my face Hello spaceman You can’t hang out with your friends Even when you are with them And I’ve felt like that before And trust me There must be more You’re going to need to toughen up But not in the way you’re thinking of Hello spaceman Can you hear this song? If not, tell me what I did wrong I want to tell you the appeal Of having three full meals Because I’m starving myself Or I’m binge-eating all the food In the house And hello spaceman You’re in that Weird part of the night Where you need a flashlight To see But when you turn it on It does not help you be And hello spaceman I found the gun It was buried under your mattress And I’m wondering if you were going to use it This is the girl who wrote this song And she’s wondering what she did wrong And I’ve got nowhere to stay the night So I’ll wade through the lake in the half-light Hello spaceman You and your friends You say I shouldn’t hang around with them And I don’t know why I agree I guess we’ll just have to see Hello hello hello hello hello I’m very excited And I might be a little frightened But it’ll be alright I’m sorry I know it’ll be alright [outro, spoken]

I’ve seen footage Of what I’d like to be Whenever I go up It comes down Lose my world it’s tainted Lose your words because they’re painted I’m not coming back You’re going down And I put my arms around you And say, “I'm so happy I found you” And I woke up feeling like shit when I saw your face Hun, you best start lifting weights I used to think there was some sort of answer in the music I liked And what am I doing if I’m not taking care of myself? Someone will care about this Please let someone care about this Please let someone care about these songs When I wear black it snows When I wear white it’s cold But now my clothes and my body are fading, And now they’re gone It gave me quite the fright I don’t wanna pout about it Someone will care about this

Sitting on the back porch Watchin’ lights as they pass us by And we slept there forever Your heart against mine I have nothing left to talk about Beyond the difficulty of all this I think it’s hard to be in relationships like this I hate to say that it was cliche And I’m stuck between wanting to be in the closet forever And being out to my friends and my family I’ll be split into two As logic and hypnosis Moses and the roses God left us long ago But if you’re quiet And if you put your ears Against the walls You can still hear him humming And if I wanna make it last with my other friends Then I should never come out to them And If I really wanna make my dread last I could lay down in the river grass And let the pain complete me As much as the name affects the state that I’m in I can’t tell if their transphobia’s ironic or not And I’m too scared to tell them Or ask someone I know I can trust And maybe if I keep my mouth shut I can wait it out and I’ll never have to talk about myself And maybe if I keep my mouth shut, and act like I’m not there Maybe if I just sit and stare I won’t have to tell them And I can move on from there But i don’t have to do what’s good for me I can just suppress these feelings I can just tell myself this is a phase Because I’ll never be cute or pretty anyway

I promise that I’ll try not to do anything wrong Turn on the bright lights It’s 2:00 AM Turn on the bright lights I need to wake up my mind My beach-weak mind Keep it light, just for tonight I need a chance to rest my mind After fearing I messed up everything With my best friend Oh god, I’m so tired of waiting for it all to end I know I’ll fuck it up like I did What am I supposed to do? Twelve weeks in, damn, I miss you And I got left on a roof overlooking that lake I talk about every day I wish I could say, “hey, you’re beautiful, wanna do nothing with me” but I’m too scared to do shit And she took aim to fire wildly, And somehow still hit the bullseye And how do I tell someone when they take a guess And that guess is correct If heaven is full of people Then why don’t I just stay on earth? Turn on the bright lights And she took aim to fire wildly, And somehow still hit the bullseye And how do I tell someone when they take a guess And that guess is correct My lyrical rut Is what you see here, but Don’t be discouraged, my friend The ghost of my old man said "I like it that you’ll always be my son" I said "fuck you fuck you fuck you" I said "I always wanted to have long hair" But he didn't even care Last night I stood outside the door to my folk’s room for an hour They were fast asleep, I took a shower Wished I was wearing a dress When I went to heaven But really I was just hanging out With the stoners and the drunks Outside the 7-Eleven Last night I told myself I was far too austere But really I was distracting myself because my friends berated and called me a queer And I got a call yesterday “You’re never going to be a girl, settle for being gay” The body that I hated came to me in a midnight fright Said “Jen, in heaven everything isn’t so right” So I took off all my clothes and followed her to hell But first she waited fifteen years outside of my jail cell But she didn't even care And we’re never gonna get a job! No, we’re never gonna get a job!

I know I have some big news But we both do You should start You’re way too smart You never stopped And I know my voice always sounded wrong It’s fine that you didn’t listen And I’ll pretend that these songs aren’t about you And you do that too And I know that once I leave You’ll never notice something’s missing And after all the things I’ve done and said I feel like you’ve been mislead And it’s all my fault And I know that in your eyes we weren’t really lovers And I know that you had someone who loved you very much No I’ve never slept with anyone who wanted to sleep next to me I hope that I still take Up space in your memory You’ve been changing my memory Your hipbone is connected to my heart But when you fell asleep in my bed You had such a bittersweet scent Which stuck in your place One which I wish I could erase Just like the memories of your nervous, pale face I like it when you talked to me It was proof that I existed And I know that in your eyes we weren’t really lovers And I know that you had someone who loved you very much And I might yearn or ask or just miss your touch I hope you go back to that nice young cis girl who loves you very much I’m thinking about moving away Because you’re just less and less of a reason to stay I say that I can handle myself But I can’t even handle the people who depend on me I won’t go to heaven And you won’t go to heaven And if I was really forgiving I would have forgiven Ian long time ago-oh-oh (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh) And if I really wanna know how kind I am I should look at the space in my bed and why I’m laying in it alone (oh-oh-oh-oh-oh) And I know that in your eyes we weren’t really lovers And I know that you had someone who loved you very much And I might yearn or ask or just miss your touch I hope you go back to that nice young cis girl who loves you very much I’m thinking about moving away Because you’re just less and less of a reason to stay It’ll be alright It’ll be alright, fuck you oh-oh-oh-oh-oh You’re my hometown hero It’ll be alright It’ll be alright, fuck you oh-oh-oh-oh-oh You’re my cosmic hero It’ll be alright It’ll be alright, fuck you oh-oh-oh-oh-oh And I know that in your eyes we weren’t really lovers And I know that you had someone who loved you very much And I might yearn or ask or just miss your touch I hope you go back to that nice young cis girl who loves you very much I’m thinking about moving away Because you’re just less and less of a reason to stay [outro, yelled] Let’s burn this house down! X a lot